SEPTEMBER 10, 2003 –
"Forget the WMD's I told you made it impossible for us to take the
time to build a world coalition," said the President.
"Remember how I said that we had to go to war right now, at this
exact moment, and couldn't work with the inspection process or UN
any longer? Forget that lie, which now is costing us billions a week
and a life a day. In fact, I will not mention WMD's at all in this speech, pretending I never brought up the topic in the first place - except to repeat a lie I tell regularly, that, "Saddam had used WMD's before," referring to something decades ago that had nothing to do with invading Iraq or the case I made."
"Let me try to confuse you into thinking this has anything to do
with the war on terror," said the President. "Saddam had never
attacked anyone but Kuwait, but let me lie and pretend at some point
he attacked us."
"Let me not talk about the fact I am still avoiding international
support for one reason only: I don't want to share the oil
money and rebuilding contracts. Spending extra billions of American
tax payer dollars and leaving our troops dying needlessly without
international support is something I will continue to do gladly for
no other reason than to keep extra money in my friends' pockets.
Why else could I possibly not want to share rebuilding authority, as
we have done successfully is Bosnia, Kosovo, and Afghanistan?"
"Notice I said
Afghanistan. Yes, even in the actual war on terror, we had no
problem ceding rebuilding control after attacking Afghanistan.
So why won't we do the same in Iraq? Simply, they have lots of
oil we don't want to share - or, as I will tell you in my speech...
well, actually, I'll avoid the topic, and throw in some 'patriotic'
blurbs that distract attention from this."
"Allow me to pretend I
never landed on the USS Lincoln and did a victory lap. It
would be so disgusting and humiliating to admit that not only did I
rush to war, but I rushed to wear the victory crown, when really the
war is not over in any way, shape, or form, and I was too stupid to
realize that at the time. So instead allow me to continue my
streak of never taking responsibility for anything or ever admitting
fault by not acknowledging that the aircraft carrier landing was
premature and an insult to those who are still dying today."
"Allow me to further demonstrate my complete lack of diplomatic
skills by attempting yet again to gain international support by
bullying our allies in this speech; not humbling myself, not
admitting I and my administration should never has slandered them
and been stupid enough to think we didn't need their support.
No, let me instead impose on them that it is their "duty" to now
give us money and bodies - without, of course, getting any control
over the oil - basically, just saying, get over here and bail me out
or you are unpatriotic. Yes, complete diplomatic ineptitude.
Thank you for noticing."
"And to conclude, allow me to give this speech that is intentionally
crafted to mislead, change focus, pretend things that clearly are
not the case, avoid mention of the major, important things that
would look bad for me, and display my lack of integrity and
diplomatic skills yet again because, in the end, I know, the press
won't call me on any of this, nor will the American public, who
simply wants me to tell them something that will make them feel
better and allow them to avoid the realization that their President
is a complete incompetent. They don't want to have to deal
with the fact that I possess such a vast level of amorality and
complete lack of American values."
"Thank you for listening, and may God continue to allow me to use
his name at the end of my speeches to pretend I have some moral
basis for what I do - if he ever gets tired of my abusing his good
name for the sake of covering my ass, I'll be in a whole lot of