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OCTOBER 5, 2003
- The words were so horrific, the CIA was certain they had
come from none other than Osama or Saddam. Fervent attempts to
translate the audiotape from Arabic proved to be frustrating and
fruitless.
Then it hit one of the agents - the tape
was actually in English.
"Honestly, I think we should just trust
our president in every decision that he makes and we should just
support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens," said the
terrifying voice on the tape.
The voice was, in fact, a voice they had
heard often before, but not from one of the beige-skinned men they
had been expecting. No, this time, it was Britney Spears
issuing brutal attacks against everything America stands for.
"We had spent days trying to think of
how to belittle and assault America beyond anything we had done
before," said Osama, also on the tape. "But I guess it takes
an American to really know how to attack the core of what America
stands for."
Saddam concurred. "I would have
only spoken generally against the oppressor, the invader, or some
cliché bullshit like that. But Britney - by the way, have you
seen the tits on that girl?"
After launching this brutal assault on
the most valued and envied American freedom - the right to question
and criticize the nation's leaders freely and without fear - she
continued, "It is not that all of President Bush's policies have
failed and so he has shifted to the tactic of having his people say,
like belligerent, abusive husbands, 'How dare anyone question me!'
No," assured Spears, "it's nothing like that at all."
CIA Director George J. Tenet said in a
press conference, "We are immediately raising the nation's terror
alert level to red - dark red. Before, it was like viruses or
bacteria attacking us from the outside. Now, it is like cancer
- our own citizens are becoming the terrorist cells. God
forgive me, but I resign. I am too terrified to continue in my
current position."
Later in the tape, Britney talks of
wanting to move to London, which has reportedly led Prime Minister
Tony Blair to talk of resigning.
"I was involved... I mean, David Kelly,
merely by coincidence, committed suicide, and the war in Iraq is
going like crap, and I am outed in the press as a liar who led my
nation to war based on rubbish, but none of that bothered me that
much. I could have stood seven Lord Hutton hearings. But
to have to face the wrath Britney and her new anti-democracy crusade
is planning to bring our way, it is, as the expression goes, time
for all good men to come to the realization that we are doomed."
He added, as he grabbed the last photo
of his wife off of his desk, "Cheerio."
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