OCTOBER 20, 2003 – In a teary
press conference, President Bush today detailed how he was, "groped
repeatedly in several unspeakable places," by a drooling,
happy-handed Governor-elect Schwarzenegger during their meeting last
Visibly shaking, fighting back tears,
the President said, "I came to San Bernadino just to meet this man I
had heard so much about and discuss some business matters."
However, said the Commander-In-Chief,
Arnold had another agenda.
"I walked over to shake his hand and he
pulled me down on his lap and put his tongue in my ear. When I
tried to jump up and free myself, he asked me if I'd, 'ever played
pitcher for a muscle-bound big man.'"
Apparently, however, the President
didn't find the experience all that offensive. Asked later in
the press conference if he would press charges against the
Governor-elect, President Bush said, "Now just a second there,
Skippy. I wouldn't just go rushin' to judgment like that."
Pressed to explain, the President said,
"We Republicans showed during the election we consider groping
people on the job to be nothing but good, clean fun. Well, now
that I've experienced it first... um, first hand, so to speak... I
have to say that its quite a bit more good, clean fun than I ever
The President then announced plans to
spend "a great deal more time" in California - up in Sacramento,
staying over at the Governor's residence, in particular.
"Now Arnold and I are going to have
another summit when I get back from Asia to figure out how to get
Maria out of the picture. I suggested a "first ladies" retreat
at Camp David - a nice long one."
Governor-elect Schwarzenegger, asked if
he felt this was just another groping or perhaps something a bit
more meaningful, said, "It seems to me za little man ist fallin' faw
me. Unt you know vat I say, 'Vere dere ist smoke, dere ist
As to whether the President's falling
for him was a surprise, Schwarzenegger said, "Not at awl. Ven
I saw him in zat little flight suit, it vas just so obvious he vas
one of those Village People types. He looked so cute
pretending to be zat little flyboy Navy man."