BUSH THANKS DAD FOR CREATING
CRAWFORD, TEXAS - Responding to soaring approval ratings following Operation Iraqi Freedom, President George W. Bush called his father, former President Bush, and thanked him for building Sadam Hussein and Osama bin Laden into the terrors they grew to be.
"I think you proved," said the younger Bush to his father, "that a little American tax-payer money can go a long way toward creating horrible, civilian-killing tyrants that will give me someone to play hero against. By spending yet another $100 billion tax-payer dollars to clean up your mess, losing hundreds more American lives along the way, I really get to look tough and come out with really good numbers in the polls."
The elder Bush tried not to gloat, but couldn't hide his pride, both in having financed and advised the buildup on these two butchers, and at having raised a son that can not only use his mess for great political gain, but works to create similar future messes to sustain the party.
"I'll tell ya," said George H. W. to his presidential son, "I was worried for a second you were gonna take care of Osama and that Saddam in a way that might actually reduce the problem. But I was so glad to see when you had Osama trapped in Tora Bora, that you didn't just pop in there with American troops and solve the problem. Instead you followed in your father's footsteps, choosing to give lots of American taxpayer dollars to butcherous warlords, who of course let Osama slip out the second he showed them a twenty dollar bill. This both kept Osama around as a nemesis you can use for political advantage in the future, and probably gained us some other warlord enemies that can become future Osamas. Very nicely done, Georgie, Jr."
Asked for his thoughts about his son's brilliant, swift victory in Operation Iraqi Freedom, former President Bush said, "He had me worried for a while. I thought he might handle this one the wrong way. I was worried he would rally the world, finish Saddam off, get the weapons of mass destruction, and so the middle east would be more stable. But good ol' W., he didn't let me down by doing something like that."
By alienating the world, and by very publicly securing the oil fields and Oil Ministry while letting looters take vials of lethal viruses from the Health Ministry and priceless, irreplaceable artifacts from the museums, George Bush, Sr. feels his son did a fine job of ensuring that peace and stability won't result from this military action anytime soon.
"To be honest, I'm not so concerned," admitted Bush, Sr. "Even if he had handled Osama and Saddam the wrong way, without warlords and with world support, my son is following my example perfectly in Colombia, sending billions of dollars of taxpayer money to an unstable leader with a horrific human rights record -- getting us smack dab in the middle of a four decade long civil war, where terrorist acts are being used by both sides. It's only a matter of time before the investment we're making now in Colombia pays off by giving the Republicans a number of "evil drug lord" type bad people to use as election tools.
In fact, already in Texas, two Colombians were arrested trying to buy Stinger missiles to sell to al Queda.
"You see," said the elder Bush, "we still have al Queda to use, we have the Colombian crop of bad guys growing nicely. Operation Iraqi Freedom will yield us a good number of life long, nut case enemies -- maybe relatives of that kid who had both arms blown off and who was badly burned."
When it was pointed out to Mr. Bush that all of that child's relatives were killed in the explosion that took the child's arms, Mr. Bush replied, "Well, you can't win 'em all. But I'm sure there's someone that hates us for it. Lot's of them Arabs saw it on TV. Someone'll step up and give us the future enemy we need to keep Americans scared and voting Republican."
Asked if he thinks the public will ever stop and think it is Republican foreign policy that repeatedly creates these tyrants, and so stop thinking the party is brave and heroic for leading us into war after war to clean up the messes their failed policies have created, George H.W. dismissed the idea handily.
"We have the game of 'Blame and Lie' so perfected, and complete ownership of the media, that people will be blaming Democrats for our failures for decades to come. Even in California, where our policy of deregulation allowed Enron and others to create economic disaster and rolling blackouts, we managed to get the people to blame Davis and the democrats. See, our tactic of 'Blame and Lie' even works with domestic policy."
Asked if he was worried his son might fall victim to the same fate he did, losing an election despite victory in war due to a failing economy.
"Nah, Georgie will be able to use this 'War on Terror' easily throughout the next election to control media coverage and make Democrats look bad."
"And anyway," the former President assured us, "there's always Colombia. 'Kill the evil drug lord terrorists - vote Republican,'" he muse aloud. "Yeah, that'll work nicely. Drug lords and terrorists combined. Twice as evil to voters. That should help us keep control of both the House and the Senate for the next decade. And the 2 billion dollars a year it's costing to make this Colombian terrorist platform happen comes straight from the taxpayers -- we don't even have to fundraise to get those votes."
"That's my boy," he issued wistfully, a small tear of joy in his eye. "Like father, like son."
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