Santorum, Lott Sent Back To "Two-Shouldered" School

MAY 1 - 15, 2003

VOL. 1 ISSUE 2

SANTORUM, LOTT SENT BACK TO “TWO-SHOULDERED” SCHOOL

Republican Leaders To Be Reinstructed About Pre-Biggoted Comment Shoulder Checks

GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA – Ordered back to “two-shouldered bigot” class, Republican Senators Rick Santorum and Trent Lott arrived at Bob Jones University today quiet but optimistic.

“We’re not supposed to open our mouths until the training is over,” said Lott.

“Yeah,” Senator Santorum snapped at him, “so shut your stupid southern pie-hole. Fool.”

“Listen,” responded Lott, who is from Mississippi, “you dumb-ass Yankee, I’ll speak what I want whenever I want.”

“Shut your dumb hick ass and get to class,” Lott’s colleague from the northeastern state of Pennsylvania replied.

The class will consist of training in basic two-shouldered technique, according to professor John Smythe.

“First, you gotta lock back over the left shoulder, like this,” said Smythe, demonstrating the maneuver. “Then, the same way, looking back over your right shoulder. The idea is to make sure there are no nigg… I mean, people who might be offended by any bigoted commentaries you will make within earshot. Once the coast is clear, you can rid yourself of all the politically correct inclusiveness you are forced to pretend you espouse the rest of the time, cast off the “compassionate” façade, and just let your true, conservative slurs against blacks, jews, gays, you name it, fly like birdshot from a cannon.”

Smythe says we can expect the new, improved Senators to emerge from the workshop in about three weeks.

“This’ll take a little while – these guys seem to be slow learners. But don’t worry, when we are through with the, they will be ready to go forth as hate-filled bigots while appearing to be all race, creed, and orientation-loving compassionates like Karl Rove wants them to pretend to be."

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All Vol. 1 Issue 2:

Arts/Entertainment - Dixie Chicks treated With Southern Courtesy And Respect: "Those Death Threats Were So Charming. Southern Boys Really Know How To Treat A Lady."

Elections 2004 - The Moderate Independent Rates The Democratic Hopefuls Based On How Moderate And Independent They Are.

Poll - Talking About The War

World - Northrop, Occidental To Sponsor Shakira's Columbian Tour. "We're In The Neighborhood Bombing People Anyway," Says Northrop Employee

News:

Could Bush Really Be To Blame For Ruining The Economy?

Bush Hires Saddam's Information Minister

Is President Bush Being Exploitative, Landing "Top Gun" Style? Does Moving Republican Convention in New York Closer To 9/11 Cross The Line?

Bush Admits He's Been Asking "Wrong Jesus" What He Would Do. Says He's Been Asking Jesus Chavez, A Coke Dealer Who Used To Be His Savior

Santorum, Lott Sent Back To "Two-Shouldered" School. Republican Leaders To Be Reinstructed About Pre-Biggoted Comment Shoulder Checks