Democrats Suffering From "SARS"

MAY 1 - 15, 2003

VOL. 1 ISSUE 2

DEMOCRATS SUFFERING FROM ‘SARS’ (Submissive Around Republicans Syndrome), LARYNGITIS, IDENTITY CRISIS, CONSIDER CHANGING DOCTORS

SPOKANE, WASHINGTON – Meeting at a remote location at the very edge of the country - so as to avoid contaminating anyone- Democratic Party leaders held a conference to discuss the possibility of changing doctors.

“All these ailments are adding up and only increasing in number,” griped Al From, head of the Democratic Leadership Council.

“You ain’t kidding,” James Carville, Democratic strategist concurred. “I mean, hell, a few years ago all we had were the hemorrhoids. Now with this SARS, we all have become a bunch of cowardly, cave-in pansies.”

None of the actual elected representatives in attendance could offer comment, due to the bizarre occurrence of widespread, chronic laryngitis that was affecting them all.

“Ech…. ech…” attempted Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle. “Ech…” Nothing more could escape his poor, disabled vocal cords.

Former Minority Leader and current Presidential hopeful Richard Gephardt didn’t respond when questions were directed at him.

“He is sufferin’, like the rest of them, from an identity crises,” informed Carville. “They're not sure who or what they are, never mind what they stand for.”

Former Surgeon General C. Everett Coop speculates, “This is more interesting than it is alarming. There are no viruses involved in any of these ailments, nor any bacteria. No, we are dealing strictly here with psychosomatic illnesses.”

Asked whether it is common for psychosomatic illnesses to occur in mass like this, Dr. Koop shook his head emphatically. “No way. This is a wonderful phenomenon that will go in the medical record books and be reported on down through the ages, for generations to come.” He added, “It’s truly, completely amazing.”

MAIN PAGE

All Vol. 1 Issue 2:

Arts/Entertainment - Dixie Chicks treated With Southern Courtesy And Respect: "Those Death Threats Were So Charming. Southern Boys Really Know How To Treat A Lady."

Elections 2004 - The Moderate Independent Rates The Democratic Hopefuls Based On How Moderate And Independent They Are.

Poll - Talking About The War

World - Northrop, Occidental To Sponsor Shakira's Columbian Tour. "We're In The Neighborhood Bombing People Anyway," Says Northrop Employee

News:

Could Bush Really Be To Blame For Ruining The Economy?

Bush Hires Saddam's Information Minister

Is President Bush Being Exploitative, Landing "Top Gun" Style? Does Moving Republican Convention in New York Closer To 9/11 Cross The Line?

Bush Admits He's Been Asking "Wrong Jesus" What He Would Do. Says He's Been Asking Jesus Chavez, A Coke Dealer Who Used To Be His Savior

Santorum, Lott Sent Back To "Two-Shouldered" School. Republican Leaders To Be Reinstructed About Pre-Biggoted Comment Shoulder Checks