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MAY 15, 2003 – WASHINGTON, DC – New Democratic Party
Spokesman, Newt Gingrich, promised Wednesday to share the secret art of
“speaking out boldly,” with his new colleagues on the left side of the aisle.
“I don’t know,” said Gingrich, “I just didn’t hear anybody
saying the obvious – that Bushie Boy was trying to claim some sort of victory
for himself, when all he really was responsible for was six months of diplomatic
failure. It was followed by one month of military success – which he had no
hand in the planning or carrying out of – and now, right away, he is returning
us to diplomatic failure by failing to exploit the military’s victory fully.”
(see Washington Post
story)
Intending originally to bite his tongue for the sake of
allegiance to his former party, Gingrich said there came a point at which he
snapped.
“Not a single Democrat was saying this basic, glaring
truth. I kept waiting to criticize them as being unpatriotic when they claimed
such a thing, but they never did. They never said anything, actually. Just let
George go on acting like he had won something or done something right. AWOL
Georgie, a war hero.
The former House Speaker and author of the Republicans’
Contract With America chuckled. “So, I just sort of flipped out and had to say
it – I mean, come one, it’s so obvious – how could anyone keep their mouth shut
about it?”
“Well, I, uh,” stammered Daschle, whose tenure are
Democratic Party spokesperson ended with Gingrich’s appointment. “We were
considering to maybe, possibly, make an issue about it costing at least three
dollars more to land by airplane than by helicopter on that aircraft carrier.
That was sort of criticizing the President, almost.”
Reminded that he and other Democrats, instead of attacking
the President for claiming a victory that wasn’t one, had praised the success of
the war, Daschle asked, “Was that wrong? Was that not what I was supposed to
do? Maybe I should ask Newt what I should have said.”
The new Democratic Spokesperson had a few suggestions for
Senator Daschle.
“Well,” said Gingrich, “he might start by mocking the
President for getting in a jet for a photo op when he was AWOL during the
Vietnam conflict. Then maybe point out that any six year old could have beaten
Saddam Hussein with our amazing army, and that the military kicking the crap out
of Iraq doesn’t make up for the fact that he failed in every diplomatic aspect
before, during, and after the war. That might be a good place to start, in my
humble opinion.”
A tear welled in Daschle’s eye as he heard Gingrich’s
suggestions. “God he’s good. If only I’d thought of speaking up and calling
the President on his lies and failures. I think my role as Senate Democratic
Leader might have gone better if I’d tried something like that.”
Terry McAuliffe, Chairman of the Democratic National
Convention, agreed. “Um, duh,” said McAuliffe.
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