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May 15, 2003 - WASHINGTON, DC – Citing the need to counter the Republican
Party’s attempted outreach to their voter constituencies, Democratic National
Committee Chairman, Terry McAuliffe, announced Wednesday that the Democratic
Party would be fighting back by courting the “Asshole Vote.”
“George W. Bush and the Republican
Party,” said McAuliffe, “are making a concerted and public effort to try and go
after some of our core groups of voters, such as Latinos and Africa-Americans.
So we feel it is imperative not just to respond in a defensive manner, but
finally to go on the offense by courting the idiotic young white men who
brazenly parrot whatever lines Rush Limbaugh feeds them each week.”
Former President Bill Clinton agreed
with the plan. “The Democratic Party cannot just sit there while the
Republicans try to siphon off our base. We must try to bring some of their core
supporters over-to our side as well, and starting with the Republicans’ most
important
constituency, dumb white bullies who endlessly echo whatever lies they are fed,
is the best way to go.”
McAuliffe says this particular
constituency has been targeted both because it has been the backbone of recent
Republican success, and because it, “should be pretty darn easy to tinker with
these lie-strung marionettes.”
“You don’t have to come up with any
real reasons why they should switch from their party to ours,” explained
McAuliffe. “Just figure out what lies they would like to hear, repeat them over
and over, and next thing you know they’ll be puppetting brazenly to all their
friends and family members whatever nonsense you fed them.”
The key, according to McAuliffe, will
be creating lies that appeal to the school-yard bully and allow unthinking
businessman types to pretend they are schooled on world affairs, despite a
complete lack of in-depth knowledge on any topics.
“Chop-logic, oversimplification,
grade-school level personal attacks, and flat-out misrepresentations of reality
that allow these lazy and insecure cowards to destroy any attempt at useful
political discourse – that’s what feels empowering to them. So we would really
need to research ways to somehow make our honest, well-thought out stances seem as
if they are manipulative, dishonest, and childish. If we can do that, I think
we have a good shot at getting some of these big-mouthed, know-nothing white men
and money-worshipping, truth-avoiding businessmen to switch over and vote
Democrat.”
Asked if he was concerned about the
Democrats’ new effort at reaching out to their base, chief Bush strategist, Karl
Rove, laughed. “You don’t,"
informed Rove, "just learn how to create the sort of lies that allow
these idiots to feel superior, despite a complete lack of accurate and comprehensive
information, overnight. The hate-filled, big-mouthed asshole and heartless
businessman who wants justification for his truly inexcusable policies, know, and
will feel for years to come, that the Republican Party is their home, and the
only true source of the distortive and belligerent attack-talk that makes them feel
superior and macho - instead of just feeling inaccurately informed and truly afraid to face
the real, cold hard facts of life as they are. They need to feel safe within the
destructive, self-serving, unambitious lives they live, and we are the only party truly
committed to supplying them the manipulative one-liners that allow them to feel
that way.” |
