JUNE 24, 2003 – Tired of having to pretend he gives a damn about America, Australian born Rupert Murdoch has decided to put all of his media assets to work convincing people that the good, patriotic American thing to do is to replace the stars on the American flag with kangaroos and change the name of the nation to the United States of Australia.

"You know what a pain in the ass it has been," said Murdoch, "having to put American flags up on my FOX News screens, having to try and pretend my self-serving wants and needs are somehow what "good Americans" want.  I'm sick of having to pretend I represent - and my media holdings put forth - values that have anything to do with America."

Beginning July 4 - a day Rupert calls, "some stupid date that will mean nothing from now on," - his USA Today Newspaper will stand for United States of Australia Today; his FOX News Network will be renamed the KANGAROO News Network; his New York Post will be renamed the New Melbourne Post; his Chicago Sun Times will be renamed the Outback Sun Times; and his FOX Network will be called the KANGAROO Network.

"I own it all," said Murdoch.  "Why should I have to act as if I give a damn about this stupid country?  Why should I have to come up with skewed stories and one-sided propaganda that tells Americans that my right-wing desires are the only patriotic, American choice.  I led America to fight Operation Iraq for Murdoch, and I have complete control of the minds of a majority of the people now.  To speak out against the agenda I set leaves Americans subject to personal destruction.  To put it simply, I am the true Dictator of America."

But that title leaves him empty, said the multi-billionaire mogul.

Murdoch explained, "During my childhood in Melbourne, Australia, I always dreamed of being the Dictator of Australia.  Unfortunately, my country didn't allow me the opportunity to become that powerful.  I had to come use the free society America provided to make my way up, and now that I'm at the top, I'm going to shake off this clingy dame I slept with to get ahead."

"Who wants to be dictator of a bunch of easily manipulated zombies?  The whole idea of American patriotism became a joke the second it came to mean echoing whatever my FOX News says is patriotic.  These people are idiots - to rule them would mean nothing."

So, said Murdoch, he is just going to formally change the names of things so they more accurately represent how things really are:  Australia is the nation, Rupert Murdoch, the Australian, is the Dictator, and American is just a holding of his that he uses as he sees fit, be it to make millions, launch wars.

"It's all pretty simple," said his wife, Chinese-born Wendy Deng.  "He goal is to kick the communists out of China.  Australia has no real army, so he decided to use America's army to do it for him."

"Americans are easily used," Rupert agreed.  "They will secure the rest of the oil for me, and then fight against China, no matter what the cost in dollars and lives."

Asked if he really believes he could get Americans to fight a war against China for him, the News Corp.-owning Aussie laughed.

"I just use Goering's old maxim - 'It is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship ...Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.'

"Americans eat this stuff up like Vegamite.  They'll turn against anyone you tell them to:  Iraq, Korea, France, China - can you name a single country Americans can't be made to hate - even to the point they would launch a war against them - with just a few unsubstantiated invectives?  Can you?"

"Who wants to be dictator of these clods?  We'll just change the name so it is clear America is just one of the Australian states I rule over, doing whatever business I lead them toward, like Napoleon led France, like Alexander the Great led Greece, like Lenin led Russia.  Americans will continue to serve whatever desires I have - but first, we will get the name and flag corrected.  No more of these damned stars and eagles.  No no, from now on, it is kangaroos and koalas in my United States of Australia."