JUNE 24, 2003 – "It's enough," Senator Tom Delay (R-Texas) said simply.

"Why waste the money having elections?" said top Bush advisor Karl Rove.

"The reality is, we're not going to let Democrats hold any offices," said Vice President Dick "Darth" Cheney, "whether we use recalls, redistricting, or flat out intimidation."

"We've already made it clear that speaking anything but the new ultra-Bush-wing Republican platform we put forth means you don't belong in this country," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "so why keep pretending anything but hostile, sarcastic Republicans who act exactly like the Soviet dictators of old, are welcome in our pure, American land."

"It don't take a ricket scientist," said President Bush, explaining the new campaign he has launched to rename the United States of America as the Union of Sarcastic, Soviet-Like Republicans.

"We all know the Soviet Union was evil because of it's left-wing system of economics.  It's ultra-right wing dictatorship; the constant, complete surveillance of its own citizens; the party-controlled press that called itself "The Truth," but really just dictated what was acceptable and "patriotic", as determined by a single political party - these are the things that I, and my fellow Bush-brand Republicans find inspirational.  Ol' Ronnie Regan may have called her the "Evil Empire," but for us, the USSR and it's means and methods are the role model we base our party's platform on."

The Cold War, according to  former President George H. W. Bush, was not a battle between liberal, democratic ideals and horrible, fascist, right-wing dictatorship, but, "A stand against anything to do with liberalism."

"You see clearly," said the elder Bush, "that we love the Rush Limbaughs and Fox Newses - the puppet media that pushes our agenda and turns people against those who oppose us.  You see clearly that we don't like fair, open elections, and frankly won't stand for them any longer.  You see clearly that we love to come up with excuse after excuse to do away with those obnoxious laws that stop us from spying on or interning for as long as we feel like anyone we feel is a threat to us.  Clearly, you can see, we are not so different than the people that ran the former USSR.  And so, the name change is inevitable."

Psychiatrist Maxine Breston labeled it a case of Helsinki Syndrome.  "Often when humans are locked so fiercely in a battle for survival against an oppressor, they will come with time to have feelings for that oppressor, even think they are in love with the oppressor, and in the end begin to emulate them.  We saw this happen with Patty Hearst, and it is not uncommon in cases where people are subject to extended periods of duress by an evil person."

Breston said she sees no reason this wouldn't play out in the same way on a larger level - even on the level of a whole segment of population that had been locked in an extended period of duress with another population.

"Who said that?" asked Attorney General John Ashcroft.

When we told him the reputed psychiatrist's name, he took notes, smiled, and thanked us.

"That's one more we won't have to weed out later on," he said, and then made a phone call ordering her to be arrested and permanently detained as an "enemy combatant of the new USSR."

Asked if the stars on the new flag will really be replaced by the traditional Republican elephant, Ashcroft replied, "Do you have a problem with that?"

The change will officially take place on September 11, 2004.

"Americans will rally around anything I say," said President Bush, "if I am standing at Ground Zero on the anniversary of that historic day.  So we will use this occasion to finalize the pushing-through of our Soviet-like agenda, and figure why not change the name then as well.  9-11 will be our new non-independence day - the first day of our new USSR."

When the question of the morality of using such an occasion to push such an un-American agenda was asked, the President smirked.

"I already changed the date of the 2004 Republican convention to be the latest one ever held, so that it coincides with the 9-11 anniversary.  Everyone knows that.  So what sort of stupid question are you asking me?"

"I told everyone I am going to use that date to make it seem like I am America and if you oppose me or anything I say at the Convention you are un-American.  It was reported in all the major newspapers, on all the TV stations.  It is no secret.  Have you heard anyone complain or protest?"

After a silent moment, the President said, "I didn't think so.  And you won't.  Rupert boy will make sure of that."

The President added wistfully, "If only that crazy Aussie would drop his idea to put the kangaroos on the flag instead of the elephants, everything would be going perfectly."