June 15 - 30, 2003
VOL. 1 ISSUE 5
DEBUNKING THE MEDIA
The Confused, Psychotic Defining of "Conservative"
By Betsy R. Vasquez
June 27, 2003 - While many of us are hard at work earning our livings, many of this new breed of Limbaugh/Bush conservative is forwarding e-mail after e-mail from their plush, over-paid offices. Many of us moderate independents wonder how things have gotten so far off in the Republican party – the party that was founded by Abraham Lincoln. How did it come to be headed by such confused, dishonest smirking children?
An analysis of one of the typical e-mails they forward about can help to understand this. It is a classic, perfectly demonstrative example of the advertising methods and imagery they use to get people to support them regardless of whether or not these people agree with their policies. Completely ridiculous assertions such as, "James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives; Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals," run throughout, attempting to portray conservatives as everything that is cool and strong, and anyone who doesn't support the conservatives (i.e. what they are calling liberals) as dorky and weak.
The e-mail is included below, with The Moderate Independent’s analysis included in bold type. It takes a few paragraphs to get interesting (and funny), so stick with the it through the intro part:
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals
and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans
coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. A thousand
generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was
invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the
occasion of the great bifurcation (to divide into two branches) of humanity
into its two distinct subgroups.
M/I: Here they start to delve into fake imagery, pretending for a second they are the educated, thoughtful “academics” they constantly deride. It is an attempt to make it seem as if what is about to follow carries some weight. Don’t worry, they can’t maintain the façade for long.
Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time to
settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of it
ordained the invention of agriculture.
After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly, consigned
actual cultivation to women.
Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle
nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty
close to home, and the brewery.
This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led to
the division of the species, which persists to this day.
M/I: This whole section is just boring and, without the author realizing it, actually destroys the premise they are about to expound on. “…ancient man quickly, and unfairly, consigned cultivation to women.” Oops, they went feminist for a second there. Don’t worry, it won’t last.
Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the term
"conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the dangerous
pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big
barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and telling
off color jokes.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for the
domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly, they sat
around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate schemes
to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation as "liberals").
In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts,
sharing their innermost feelings.
M/I: Exactly. Ridiculous psychosis on parade. Let’s get this straight. The “conservative family values” crowd that derides anybody who doesn’t get married at 12 and spend their whole life sitting at home, watching TV with their family are now the brave adventurers? Precisely backwards. The crazy “liberals,” as they would call them, are busy living this decadent life, traveling the world, staying out until 4 AM, surfing 25 foot waves, while the conservatives are putting on their business suits, then coming straight home, and yes, “drinking beer, passing wind, and telling off-color (they mean racist, of course) jokes,” except it is in front of a TV, not out in the wild. The liberals are the ones out camping, playing guitar, lighting up a fatty. But keep dreaming – and watching FOX.
Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative, and
sometimes succeed in confusing people.
M/I: Like George Bush, who would rather be out partying, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, who made his living smoking dope and killing people on camera, and spends his days now hitting on any woman that comes into his line of sight at the gym where he works out. But wait, they get to Arnold in a moment.
The following are a few tips to use in distinguishing the two types (liberals and conservatives.)
By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is
unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people are
too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes allow
liberals in government to do a better job of it.
M/I: Yes, the buzz words as usual. “Big government and high taxes.” Stupid phrases that this new breed of Republicans use to try and pretend it is all of us who are overtaxed and none of us who need government services. It is a game they use to get any protective regulations or necessary programs eliminated, allowing businesses to abuse their workforce, taking away the means for an average person to get a free, quality education – simply, trying to enact their Banana Republican agenda, which we all the know the outcome of – we see it all over South America. Get rid of the social programs, and you create a third world country, with an endless cycle of violence created by inability to escape poverty due to lack of educational opportunities.
Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it
would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small
M/I: Let’s translate this into what it actually means: “CEO’s don’t like people busting them on their illegal accounting schemes, or forcing them spend the money to have breathable air where their employees work. They would prefer to increase their bonuses by another million dollars each, and offset the cost by letting the workspace sit at 15 degrees in winter, 109 degrees in summer. They actually do love regulations, like the 21-year old drinking age they forced on all of us, because they know they don’t apply if you are really, really rich. They love to brag about having a great military, but don’t want to have to fight in it or pay for it themselves – you know, by paying taxes. They would prefer to do away with public schools all together, and force all the other people to do the fighting for them in return for meager pay and their only hope of going to college.”
Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush
Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable John Wayne.
M/I: The fact that three of the four great examples that they try to put forth as “typical conservatives” are actors, and the forth is a radio personality shows perfectly that they love fantasy and fiction, not the ugly, hateful, bigoted, prune-faced, religion-pushing, ass-pinching CEO’s that truly are the conservatives. Ralph Reed, Jerry Fallwell, Pat Robertson – oops, they forgot these names – why don’t they just say Britney Spears is a great example of conservatism as well.
But actually, these four men are typical of this new breed of fake “conservative.” Here they break out Arnold, who in no way is anything resembling a conservative – he is just the image they like to keep in their head as they sit cowardly in their offices. Arnold is not a conservative, nor does he claim to be – he is just a Republican because he is someone who will do or say anything to get ahead, and the Republican party has the money and the machine to get him into office. He doesn’t have any political views, and is willing to puppet whatever Limbaugh lines he is fed, so he is “typical”ly perfect for this new breed of CEO frontman that they try to say is representative of “conservative”.
Rush is absolutely typical as well: dishonest, bigoted (oh yeah, they call it “off-color”), will do or say anything he is told as long at it gets him money, insecure, and very mature for a 5th grader.
In reality, John Wayne’s characters were not conservative – they popped lots of bullets into conservatives. And, most importantly, they were just characters. Ronnie’s characters were just that, too – fictional characters, and his speeches in office were wonderful, as long as you couldn’t see the hand inserted in his butt that was working his mouth from inside. They are “typical” of this new breed of conservative because they are both actors, people who will say whatever words you put into their mouth convincingly, without having any part in creating the words themselves or questioning what they are saying. ACTION! Now speak.
Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, Martin
Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife, the
traitor Jane Fonda.
M/I: There’s nothing wrong with any of these names they gave, and they seemed to know it, which is why, in desperation, they threw Pee Wee Herman in. Ok, we’ll throw Jimmy Swaggart back at you. How about Jim Baker? Dick “Crook” Nixon? Wait, those are real people and not just actors again. This new breed of “conservative” is fixated on the fictional. Real “liberals” have included Thomas Jefferson – who founded the Democratic party – Ben Franklin, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
All conservatives drink beer. American beer.
M/I: Real conservatives try to make sure the Americans who work brewing beer get miniscule pay, no vacation, no health benefits, and have no access to unionizing. They like the beer because it is cheap as a result of this.
Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign
water from a bottle.
M/I: Yes, liberals aren’t insecure in their manhood or Americanism, and so partake of the finer things in life regardless of whether or not corporate advertising tries to say it is womanly. This is also why liberals have nothing against homosexuality, because they don’t secretly fear they want to jump on their friend Bob’s rump. If they want to, they will, if not, they won’t. No worries.
Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist
Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American.
M/I: Wait, what happened to the intellectualism from the first couple of paragraphs. Remember, “The division of the human family into its two distinct branches…” Now it is just, “Uh, that food is kinda weird, uh.” What’s weird, french fries? Tacos? Swedish meatballs? Come on, Mr. CEO, show us your real eating habits – I bet there’s dijon in there somewhere, cabernet as well. No wait, that would be caring about quality more than money…
Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up
M/I: Of course, they don’t have to go fight the wars that result from their over-consumption of oil. “Pansy” liberals would have used fuel-efficiency and alternative energy and had us out of the Middle East by now. “Conservatives” drive their tough Hummers on the back roads of Texas. Liberals and moderates drive them in the desert of Iraq to try and earn money for their educations.
Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to barbecue.
M/I: How brave! Braving the fire of the backyard barbecue, while dreaming you are some caveman who didn’t just go to the grocery store and buy the steak some poor, hard-working liberal capped for you back on down at the slaughterhouse.
Big game hunters are conservative. Interior decorators are liberal.
M/I: Big game, like deer, who you bravely take on, like a real man, with semi-automatic weapons. Wow!
They use interior decorators for their houses, and only pretend to hate them when they are trying to color this tough-guy imagery. But even so, they show their weakness and fear, because they are not brave enough to say the truth: interior decorators aren’t liberal, they’re usually gay. It’s ok to say it. We know it, they know it, and nobody has a problem with any of it – thank God, because think of the clashing window treatments if we had straight guys decorate our homes.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't
"fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.
M/I: Now, Bob, it’s clearly time for your medicine, you’re beginning to ramble incoherently and drool.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler
linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear
skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football players.
M/I: Yes, Mr. CEO, you are just as tough as Jack Lambert was – just keep thinking that, as you look at the post-its on your oak desk, and groan and wheeze just getting out of your cushy, leather chair.
The fact that Jack Lambert and the Pittsburgh Steelers were tough has what to do with worker’s conditions, worker’s pay, free education, not picking wars just to win elections? Last time I checked Pittsburgh was a blue-collar, Democrat-leaning town, and the real steelers, the steel workers, are as well. Only the steel company owners who are counting their millions while they wheeze and groan in their padded leather chairs are conservatives in this picture.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli
Vanilli are liberals.
M/I: Ok, let’s try to regain our composure from the hysterical laughing fit we all just had. James Brown. Conservative? Heroin-shooting, blues-playing Ray. Conservative? And somehow they break out Milli Vanilli from somewhere back in the 1980’s.
You see the meds have completely worn-off here, and they are just spouting anything that is cool and anything they can think of as dorky or stupid, calling the cool stuff “conservative” and the dorky stuff “liberal”. It’s advertising 101, but, of course, has nothing to do with reality.
James, Ray, let me apologize for their insult. Now just hit me one time, my man…
Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group
therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and
steeplejacks are conservatives.
M/I: Drool and drool and... Let’s get it straight: most professional soldiers are moderate independents. Just like most people are. They like to defend the country, but don’t think they should be used just to promote corporate agendas. They would like to be able to get college educations without having to get shot at in the middle of the desert for the benefit of some oil company. They like to be there when our nation is in need, but don’t like to be stationed in the mountains of Columbia to push some secret CIA agenda that has nothing to do with keeping our borders secure.
Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure the
defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial.
M/I: Allow me to correct: All good Americans, liberal, moderate, and conservative, only want to convict someone who is guilty. People who hate democracy, freedom, and justice don’t mind locking up and destroying anyone they are told to. These people are not conservatives, but truly non-Americans who wish they lived in the old USSR, current Venezuela, or one of the many places in the world where hatred and money rule and justice doesn’t exist. Nice of these new “conservatives” to point out for us how much they hate America and everything it stands for. We apologize to good, truly conservative Americans for this insult, as well as all the others you have suffered at the hands of this new breed of corporate hate-spewing Limbaugh trash.
Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would
cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.
M/I: Again, the Arnold imagery. They wouldn’t kill Osama bin Laden if he showed up right in front of them – they would buzz their secretary to call someone up from the mail room to take care of it, and then go try and find themselves a dry pair of shorts to replace the ones they just pissed in.
Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.
M/I: Conservatives – the religious type – oppose the death penalty, as well as some liberals, and some religious moderates.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened
than Americans. Conservatives think they're basically decadent, as evidenced by
their complete absence in wars.
M/I: Decadent = absent in war? You see how desperately and ignorantly they try to use logic – something completely foreign to them. Here they try and combine their general hatred of Europe with their general assertion that anyone who doesn’t go kill every time Texaco tells them to is a coward. In Europe, to be educated, mannered, and attractive is considered good. That is why the ugly new “conservative” CEO hates Europeans – they are everything these people are not. Europeans have great bodies, nude beaches, and many of the countries there don’t have Puritanical hang-ups. These new “conservatives” are angry because they have to pretend they are offended by that. Liberals can admit they would love to be at one of those beaches with all of those beautiful, naked young Euro-babes or guys. New “conservative” CEO’s leave seeing young naked babes for when they go off on “business” outings to strip clubs and brothels.
Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona", "Patton", and "Conan the
Barbarian". Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in
Paris", and "The Big Chill".
M/I: Raising Arizona. Conservative. What can one even say to anything so stupid?
The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides how
much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race
M/I: Horses wearing weights? This is why we needed to attack Iraq? People of all creeds handicap horses so you can have a competitive race, but what the hell does this have to do with politics at all, you drooling nutcase. But you have heard of trying to keep things competitive – you know, that whole competitive thing you talk about when you “handicap” sports teams by trying to cap player’s salaries rather than capping owner’s revenues?
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A
hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the owner
of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse
me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To which the cowboy
replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been born."
M/I: Ten seconds later the owner of the ranch fired this poorly paid ranch-hand for insubordination. The man and his family never recovered. His great grand-children are currently holding “Will work for food,” signs at the bottom of an off-ramp of the 10-freeway in Texas.