July 23, 2003 - When I wrote my first column as a Moderate Independent staffer, Let's Get Something Straight:  This New Breed of Republican Is Pathetic, our editor-in-chief, Thomas J. Bico - or Tommy Boy, as I like to call him - surprised me by allowing the story to run without asking me to tone it down or go a little easier on Bush and his supporters, since this is a moderate independent site.  "Just write what is true," he told me.  "I don't care who gets pounded in the process.  And if it is the same guy or the same side that gets pounded every day because they have gone overboard, then pound them everyday."

It became clear to me I had found the right place to continue my journalistic career.  And, more importantly, from the huge reader response to my call for action, it became clear that The Moderate Independent audience is revved up and ready to kick ass, ready to take on the bastards who have destroyed the Republican Party that Lincoln founded, and seek to destroy everything that is good about America.  There is only one debate about the Bush/Limbaugh Republicans:  are they better labeled Banana Republicans because they are running America like it's some third world banana republic, or Soviet Republicans, because they have as much respect for freedom, honesty, and American values as the old Soviet regime did (as a matter of fact, why don't you e-mail me and let me know which label you think fits better.)

Anyway, last time I gave you all some info and requested you stuff it up the... that you forward it along to that Bush-supporting idiot you know who sends you every Hillary joke and humorless, Pravda like right-wing piece of e-mail crap.

Now, here is some more mud to stuff in their eyes.  They never back off with their lies and lame crap, and you shouldn't either.  This pathetic new breed of Bush/Limbaugh Republican joke needs to take it on the back of the head everyday until they come to their senses, or, more likely, at least have the edge taken off of their balllessly big-mouthed preaching pride.  Hey, two more soldiers died today because of the stupid Limbaugh lines and Bush lies they parrot mindlessly, and so you have no excuse not to attack these people - you have a duty to those who are sitting in Iraq waiting for a President with a plan to do everything possible to straighten these Bush/Limbaughians out and get a useful commander-in-chief into the Oval Office.

The below e-mail to cut, paste, and forward is a rewriting of the rewriting of history the Bushies have been forwarding around like SARS in Spring.  It attempts to change reality and replace it with John Maddenisms that label everything and everyone tough and cool "conservative," and everyone and everything wimpy, weird, or weak "liberal," by which they mean anyone opposed to Bush, regardless of which end of the political spectrum they really sit on.

Betsy R. Vasquez had critiqued the e-mail previously in her column, The Confused, Psychotic Defining of Conservative.  You might want to check that article out and forward that along, it is pretty funny.

But I like to take it, of course, one step further, and rewrite the whole damn thing so as to truly be the wind gust that blows their pee back all over 'em.  So read, then, cut, paste, and FIRE!

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The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, Useful People and Bushies, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. A thousand

generations ago, that all began to change.

An odd genetic mutation led to the birth on the first males without courage of any sort.  Any time danger would present itself, these men would run and hide in bushes, cowering in their own pee.  These two pathetic brothers came to be known as the Bush boys, since the tribe always knew they would find them cowering, peeing on themselves in the bushes whenever a situation requiring real men presented itself.

One day, problems began for the Bush boys.  Their father, who had been a good warrior for the tribe, became too old to provide food for his now full grown offspring.  It was time for the sons to become the providers.  However, being so cowardly and weak, they could not provide food even for themselves, never mind for the rest of their family.  For a while, out of respect for the elder Bush, the other members of the tribe shared their food with them, but over time they grew tired of the Bush family not doing their part, so they cut them off and told them they would have to gather or hunt their share or they would get no food at all.

The Bush boys didn't know what to do.  They were so terrified to leave their little, isolated cave that they knew they would starve in no time.  So, the Bush boys had a meeting to decide what to do.

One of the brothers, Jebapithicus, suggested that they simply steal the food from the others in their tribe when their backs were turned.  The second Bush son, who was so dumb he was unable to remember even a single letter, such as W, never mind an entire name, so they simply called him Dummy, thought it was a wonderful idea.  At one point that day, the other members of the tribe went off to go bathe in a nearby stream, and the cowardly Bush boys grabbed a couple of scraps of mostly eaten bones and apple cores and brought it back to their hiding spots in the nearby bushes.  And so they survived that way for a day, but when one of the other tribe members spotted the garbage they left strewn near their bushes and so figured out what had happened, he got angry.  The Bush boys were so cowardly and terrified they each fled to and hid in their secret bush for a week, afraid to even show their heads.

The next week they held another meeting.  They were desperate and extremely hungry.  Jebapithicus had given his only idea, and Dummy was unable to come up with any ideas at all.  Finally, they went crying to their father to beg him for some advice.

The elder Bush told his sons that he had had a big secret for years.  Their was a nearby tribe that had a big stash of food saved up and which lived among orchards that provided an endless supply of fruits, berries, and nuts.  Most of the food he had provided over the years he had stolen from them.  Knowing his sons wouldn't dare face a confrontation with the other tribe, he suggested to his boys that maybe they could steal food from this tribe when their backs were turned.

Upon hearing this, both of the Bush boys instantly peed on themselves and started crying.

"How can we get the food from them?" asked Jebapithicus in tears.  "We are afraid to even leave the cave area, never mind go near where some other tribe may be."

The elder Bush knew this was a problem.  He realized he needed to come up with a way to get the other tribe members to go do the stealing for them.  He told his boys to go tell the tribe about the enormous riches and ask in return for the information that they go steal some food from the wealthy tribe and give the family a portion as a reward for telling them.

Dummy agreed to make the pitch.  His father gave him exactly the words to say, had Dummy memorize them.  But when it came time to ask the other tribe members, Dummy jumbled what he was supposed to say, and instead asked if he could steal food from them and sell it to the other tribe.

Beaten and crying, Dummy came hold a told his father.  The father then sent Jebapithicus out to accomplish the same task.  Jebapithicus delivered the message perfectly.  Various segments of the tribe had different responses.

The most intelligent of the tribe saw that this was an obvious attempt to use the tribe to get food for the Bush family and refused.  The brave warriors of the tribe thought it was pathetic to attack another tribe who posed no threat just to take their food.  A third group, the weak-minded and inadequate hunters of the tribe who were unable to provide well, didn't think attacking the other tribe would be right, but liked the idea of stealing from them to make up for their inadequacy.  But the first two groups over rode the third and so the Dummy was beaten and sent back to his father.

Now the Bush family was growing desperate.  Suddenly, the elder Bush came up with a plan.

"I want you to go tell the other tribe members that you have heard rumors that the wealthy tribe is planning on raiding our cave, and that they will steal all of our food and kill us all in our sleep," instructed the elder Bush.

However, neither of the Bush boys had the courage to go deliver the message.  Jebapithicus ran away and went to pee on himself in his favorite Bush.  Dummy, confused as usual, took a moment too long to realize he had better run, and so the elder Bush was able to get a hold of him and threatened that if he didn't say exactly what he was told to the other tribe members, he would destroy all of Dummy's hiding bushes.  So Dummy had no choice but to agree.

He meekly, peeing a little bit every couple of seconds, approached the other tribe members and told them what his father had told him to say.

The brave warriors laughed.  They said that small, wealthy tribe posed no real threat.  The most intelligent of the tribe saw through the ploy and beat Dummy.

The inadequate hunters, however, saw an opportunity.  They knew the warning from Dummy  had been false, but realized they could use it to their advantage.  They decided to pretend it was true, and to each day feed tales of horror and impending doom to the weak-minded members, who in turn would passionately plea to the other members of the tribe to take action.
 

Eventually, the lies began to take hold even among the good warriors of the tribe, and one day, despite pleas from the wise ones, they attacked the wealthy tribe.  However, immediately after the victorious attack, they realized they'd been had.  The talk of riches had been true, the talk of danger and threat had not.

The brave warriors returned home, and exiled the Bush family and those weak and inadequate who had helped them.  The Bush family and the pathetic, unmanly exiles went to live on some open field, which they called a ranch, since they were not capable of securing and maintaining a cave of their own.

Today, all men and women are directly descended from one of these two tribes.

The tough and brain-having descendants of the original tribe, known as the Useful People, have created cars, airplanes, spaceships, football, basketball, guns, air conditioning, martial arts, snowboarding, aircraft carriers, precision guided missiles, fine wines, and countless other things.

The Bushies, as the descendents of the Bush family have come to be known, by their own admission, sit around doing nothing but drinking beer, passing wind, and telling off-color jokes - they are so sad that they brag about this being their only function, as a matter of fact.  Using the latest invention of the original tribe, e-mail, they forward accounts of their uselessness, congratulating each other for driving big cars that use lots of gas and having no affinity for good wine, seeing the world, associating usefully with others, or any of the things all animals above the level of the common mole partake in.

Still unable to compete and dependent on dishonest schemes for their existence, they constantly attack laws that defend against dishonesty, abuse of others, and stealing, which they refer to as "regulations" and deride constantly; between farts, that is.

They are failures themselves and want others to share in their uselessness, lack of achievement, and misery, so they constantly whine and cry about "taxes", hoping they can stop the descendents of the Useful People from providing education and opportunity to others.

Unable to provide actual, real world examples of good Bushies, they take fictional images and try to claim that they somehow show that being a Bushie is a good thing.  Arnold Schwarzenegger - the poster child for violence in the media - John Wayne, Jack Lambert, and Ray Charles is who they pretend to be.  Charles Keating, Michael Milliken, and Jim and Tammy Faye Baker is who they really are.

The Bushies brag about how tough they are in the back woods using an automatic weapon against a harmless, defenseless deer, and driving SUV's and Hummers on the back roads of Texas.  The Useful People use guns in combat to defend things like freedom, and drive Hummers as they were intended to be used - in combat zones.  These Hummers, by the way, were designed, engineered, and built by the Useful People as well.

Still terrified of real confrontation, or even debate, Bushies host one-sided radio talk shows and run their own media outlets, so that they can safely say their stupid and dishonest things without having to face a Useful Person, who would put them in their place and send them crying, running to go pee on themselves in the bushes.

Thomas Jefferson, founder of the Democratic Party, Abraham Lincoln, founder of the Republican party were both Useful People.  George Washington, Ben Franklin, the men and women of the U.S. Military, doctors, lawyers, teachers, accountants, most football players, baseball players, hockey players, and basketball players, actors, writers, police men and women, firefighters, factory workers, construction workers, business executives, priests and rabbis are mainly Useful People, though weak-minded, and inadequate Bushies exist within each group, trying, as they did in the beginning, to lead people down useless, destructive, inferiority- and greed-driven paths.

Now that you know the history, it is your duty as a good member of the Useful People to weed out the Bushies among us, for they are capable of nothing but trying to recruit company for the pathetic, inadequate lives of exile they live.  If you find that you yourself are a descendent of the Bush tribe, there is hope.  Put down that Pabst Blue Ribbon and try a Sam Adams or Guinness.  Actually read a newspaper.  Read a history book or two to find out what facts are.  And most importantly, start going to www.moderateindependent.com and start reading The Moderate Independent.  Consider it a usefulness course provided free of charge by the Useful People - and don't get any ideas, this is one course that won't be cancelled even if you manage to eliminate all education-providing taxes.