AUGUST 11, 2003 –
Hiring renowned Hollywood screenwriter/director Quentin Tarantino,
Gray Davis has changed his strategy to defeat the California recall
by beating Schwarzenegger at his own game.
“We’re thinking a cross
between the character I wrote for Joe Pesci in Goodfellas,” said
Tarantino, “and a flat-out, revamped Davis taking Arnold straight on
– Terminator to Terminator.”
To prepare for the role,
Davis has started steroid injections and spent some time training
with Robert De Niro.
“No!” snapped De Niro,
smacking Davis in the face. “You have to keep your jaw clenched.
Now Try again – ‘Are you talkin’ to me?’”
The new strategy appears to
be paying off. On Saturday, Davis showed up wearing a
Terminator-like leather jacket and carrying an Uzi submachine gun,
and announced during a news conference, “I am going to ‘terminate’
that oversized, unqualified idiot – and this whole damn recall.”
When one reporter asked if
the new look and one-liners were just a joke, Davis shot back
“What, you think I’m funny
– like I’m a clown? Huh? You think I’m here to amuse you? Huh?”
A staff member tried to
calm him down, but Davis would have none of it. “No, no, I’m not
the one with the problem, he’s the one with the problem. He said he
thinks I’m funny. I want to know what he meant by that.” He then
lifted the Uzi, came down from the podium where he stood, and
pointed it at the head of the reporter who had asked the question,
“Is that what you meant? That I’m some ridiculous clown here to
“No,” cried the reporter,
wetting his pants.
Davis then started laughing
hysterically. “Man, this using Hollywood lines really works.”
He then returned to the
podium and announced to the press-filled room. “You go tell Arnold,
I’m gonna go medieval on his ass!”
tell the voters of California,” Davis continued, “that they can each
be a goon-killing Terminator, too. There’s nothing to it, really.
On election day, just get out to the polls, and when you stand in
the voting booth and vote against the recall, you can in effect look
that big-mouthed, small-brained imbecile, Schwarzenegger, right in
his vacuous, Austrian eyes and say, “Hasta la vista, Arnold!"