AUGUST 17, 2003 - "Dude, just do it, please," Hollywood
superstar Ben Affleck was heard pleading to his best friend and
fellow film star Matt Damon as they stood outside Mann's Chinese
Theatre following the premiere of Gigli.
"You've gotta be outta your friggin' head," Damon shot back in
The next week, outside the Century Club nightclub, Affleck was heard
making the same request of the valet who parked his car.
The situation grew desperate a few days later before an appearance
on Entertainment Tonight.
"For the love of God," Affleck was heard shouting to anyone who
would listen, "some mercy-having man come give a convincing pinch to
my manly, superstar ass!"
No one took up the challenge.
The behavior has been considered completely shocking and
unexplainable to all who had witnessed it - all, that is, except
Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, who called us upon hearing we were looking
into the story.
"Yeah, man," said Combs, "I know exactly where he's at. It's a
cry for help."
Explaining further, he continued, "J-Lo is ruining his life,
trashing his career, and probably driving him nuts at home on top of
it - but her pountang is so, so sweet he can't be bear to pull
himself away from it. So the only thing the man can do is ask
a brother to create a scene that might set his poor, big
booty-addicted ass free."
So far, Affleck is having no luck. Even the vast gay community
in Hollywood has refused to come to his aid.
One West Hollywood resident explains, "Did you see Gigli? I
mean, I'm gay, so how could I kiss a guy who really is in effect a
girl now since his balls are clearly no longer attached to his
Ben was said to have tried to arrange for the the Village People to
come play at his bachelor party. Unfortunately, Damon had
already secured five or six whores/strippers.
"You're missing the point," Affleck was reported to have said.
"This will just make her jealous and so she'll want me more."
Affleck was last seen at an American Airlines ticket counter
purchasing a ticket to Greece.