AUG 16 - 31, 2004

VOL. 2 ISSUE 16

AUGUST 19, 2004 – They’re stealing the Keynote speaker from the 1992 Democratic Convention.  They’re stealing the location of the 1992 Democratic National Convention.  And now they’ve decided to steal the entire theme that John Kerry and John Edwards just used to launch their campaign.

After a weeklong Democratic fest promising to help America fulfill its promise, to lead with strength, and that, “hope is on the way,” the Republicans have decided not to counter these themes at all but, instead, to simply, directly steal them.

"Fulfilling America's Promise: Building a Safer World and a More Hopeful America," Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie announced today, will be the theme of the upcoming Republican Convention in New York.  (see article: GOP Lays Out Convention Agenda)  

Asked why they didn’t bother to come up with a theme of their own, Gillespie said they tried.

“The President – you know how he loves to associate himself with 9/11.  Well, he wanted to theme the Convention ‘Governing in 9/11 Style.’  Already held near the site of 9/11 almost on the anniversary of 9/11, he was going to lay out a platform that said, ‘Massive debts?  Global warming?  Oil prices through the roof?  Like with Al Qaeda before 9/11, let’s pretend they don’t exist until the crisis hits, then let us blame-and-lie and claim to be the saviors.’”

“But when we saw the Democratic Convention,” Gillespie continued, “ we thought maybe they had a little better theme, and so we decided to pretend it was ours.”

As for choosing the Democrat who gave the keynote address at Clinton’s 1992 New York Convention to give the keynote to this year’s Republican gatherers, Gillespie said, “Well, we haven’t been doing too well at controlling our tongues lately.  We had to nix Lott, Santorum, Cheney can’t be trusted to control the f-bombs.  Heck, even the President is going around saying, ‘Hey us really rich people figure how to get out of paying taxes no matter what you try.’”

So in the end, said the RNC chair, they felt it safest to go with a Democrat.  And, in sticking with the theme of stealing their entire convention directly from the Democrats, they figured it best to exactly copy what Clinton did, coming to New York and having Zell Miller speak.

Miller added another reason he was chosen.

“Now George came up to me and said Zell, you see, there’s a bit of a problem.  Not only do New Yorkers not like me and Republicans to begin with, but you remember that stunt I pulled, having the EPA lie to everyone and not tell them how toxic the air was near Ground Zero after 9/11?  Well, apparently these people are holding that against us.

“And so George says, ‘You’re a Democrat in name – you’re about the only one of us whose got a shot not to be crucified here, in the exact area where there toxic air was poisoning people.’”

‘Bush-Cheney Some More’ campaign chairman Ken Melehmanamahenan admitted there were also other ideas they scrapped in favor of only using ideas they stole from the Democrats.

“Originally we were going to make a quilt out of three thousand individual body-shaped pieces of fabric and have the President accept the nomination actually standing at Ground Zero wrapping himself in the corpses of the three-thousand people who died on his watch, or at least a quilt that symbolizes those dead vote-gathering pawns.”

Melelehhaman said it was later determined that – like the “Governing in 9/11 Style” theme – the quilt wrap was not as good an idea as what the Democrats had done.

“We settled from dropping 3,000 balloons instead of 3,000 corpses thing.”

Other ideas stolen directly from the Democratic Convention are the inclusion of numerous veterans and having numerous jackasses prominently displayed around the convention hall.