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March 26, 2006 – We all
knew the day would come.
For years now we have been in search of
a single thing George W. Bush and the GOP have been right about.
(see:
HARDER TO FIND THAN
WMD'S - In Search Of A Single Thing Bush and The GOP Have Been Right
About) We've even gone of right-wing radio stations
and asked callers to call in and state a single thing.
Nothing.
But at long last George W. Bush has
delivered. At the low point of his presidency, there could not
be a better time for the semi-elected former semi-National Guardsman
to be able to say to the nation, "I said it, and I did it."
Especially following a massive PR round
of the nation in which he couldn't get a single person to buy a
single thing he was saying about the situation in Iraq, the
President now has solid proof that he has actually been able to
deliver on one thing he has said.
You may recall when then-Governor George
W. Bush (R-TX) ran for office, he swore again and again to the
nation, in oddly Rain Man-like fashion, that he would be a "uniter,
not a divider." Never would he say one of the words, "uniter,"
without the other part, "not a divider," as if he figured without
that second piece of information America would not understand what a
'uniter' meant.
Or maybe he was worried Americans would
use the wrong definition of "uniter.' If you look in the
dictionary, 'uniter' is defined as... well, it's not actually there.
Unite is, united is. But the word 'uniter' is nowhere to be
found. So it is understandable if the then-Governor was
concerned that someone would think he was using a non-word based on
'unit' instead of 'unite,' in which case 'uniter,' if it was derived
from 'unit' might actually be taken to mean one who uses his unit a
lot, which was the opposite of the impression the Bush team was
trying to make; in fact, their central case was that the Democrats
were the party of using their units, with then-President Bill
Clinton the poster child for their attack.
Now, candidate Bush could have said, "I
will be a uniter, not a uniter - as in don't worry, I won't use my
unit a lot, I will do the other non-word thing, uniter." But
you see already there are problems as the non-word 'uniter,'
even if taken from 'unite' as was meant, still has to be put in a
grammatically correct place in a sentence.
So to avoid such complexities as using a
verb tense properly, the Bush camp played it safe and put their
non-word into a simple two-part phrase that was never spoken one
part without the other.
"Uniter, not a divider." "Uniter,
not a divider." "Uniter, not a unit user..." "George!"
"I mean, not a divider."
Practice complete, they set upon the
nation to hammer this promise into the nation's collective head.
But once in office, the nation wondered
what had happened to the non-word-based promise they had been given
of being brought together. Polarization began even before day
one, and only worsened, with a brief hiccup as Osama bin Laden tried
to help the poor American President out by uniting the nation for
him.
However even that didn't last long, and
the nation was back to seeming as if it had not been united, nor
unitted - in fact, everyone on all sides became so grumpy and
hateful of each other it one began to wonder if anyone was getting
to use their units at all. The whole country seemed like one
big case of blueballs/redballs.
But at last, after more than five years
in office, semi-President George W. Bush has finally delivered on
his first promise. He has indeed showed himself to be a 'uniter,'
as the nation now stands completely united against his
administration and the horrible policies he has implemented.
"Let no one question my ability to
deliver," said Bush, during a forum meant to sure up support for the
Iraq War. "I told you I was a 'uniter,' not a 'uniter' like
that Clinton fellow. A uniter, not a divider. And today
you and the rest of the world can see that I have not only united
the nation but the world in harmonious opposition to me. From
Europe to the Middle East, and now, at last, from sea to shining
sea, the people of America and the world all speak and feel as one -
they think I suck, and wish I had never been born."
Asked if there are any other promises he
has made over the course of his five years that might also prove
true sometime, the President responded, "Sure, lots of them."
Pressed to be more specific, Bush said,
"I promised not appeal to any women while in office - and believe
me, ain't no interns 'round here about to throw down for me."
"Also,' the President hastened to add,
"I promised to bring back the Cold War. If you look at Russia
and that region, you see I managed to do that."
When a reporter pointed out he had never
made that promise publicly to the nation, the President responded,
"Shit, that's right. I promised that just to Cheney's
military-industrial buddies at Halliburton, in the defense business,
and my daddy's old CIA friends. Can you forget I said that
here?"
"No," the reporter replied.
The President that hastily asked what
was the topic they had originally been talking about. Informed
in was Iraq, the President said, "Did I mention I proven to be a
great uniter, not a divider in Iraq?"
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