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OCTOBER 27, 2006 – The most
amazing thing about our nation at this moment is that no one even
knows what the real, important issues are. All over the
country people are freaking out about Iraq Five more
people dead. Ten more. One hundred Iraqis. Seven
Americans. Billions more dollars.
This people are worried about. But
the far bigger problem, the problem of American Cheese - that, no
one has the courage to even speak out about, never mind take on.
In fact, people look at me sideways when
I try to broach the topic with them.
"Which party are you going to vote for
this election," my friend asked me a few days ago.
"Which one is ready to legislate us a
new national cheese?" I asked in return.
And all I got was a stare - that stare;
the one I get again and again, every time I point out the cheese
problem - a problem of scale and scope beyond Global Warming, Iraq,
and Iran getting nukes combined.
Great, now you're looking at me like,
too. But I'm not joking, I'm serious.
It all began some decades ago.
Remember when Willy Lowman, that character in Arthur Miller's
Death of A Salesman, asked, "How can you whip cheese?"
Well, Willy was right. You can't.
Not real cheese. Not actual cheese. Not cheese that is
actually cheese.
Ah... now the point is beginning to come
out, isn't it.
But no, you don't want to listen.
You let poor Willy Lowman run off unheard until he was so depressed
he offed himself.
But now stop. And look at the
basic reality: the cheese that bears our nation's proud name,
American Cheese, is, well, not cheese at all. It is pressed,
hydrogenated soybean oil.
So, in fact, not only is not actual
cheese, but, even worse, it is not something humans can consume
healthily. While cheese is an actual food and is good for you,
American Cheese is a manufactured fake food that, thanks to the
trans fats known as hydrogenated oil, is horrible for you.
Everyday we eat it. We go get a
"cheeseburger." There's no cheese on it, it's this fake,
deadly crap that, for some inexcusable reason, gets to wear our
nation's good name.
This, my friends, is where it all began
- yes, this is how we got to obesity, TV addiction, and, yes, even
Iraq.
You don't think American Cheese got us
into Iraq?
By accepting and consuming the
non-cheese, non-edible garbage called American Cheese as if it were
cheese, we set a precedent that has been followed again and again.
We buy and drink grape drink that, yes, doesn't have a single drop
or part of a single grape in it.
And we drink and buy Country Time
lemonade. If you don't see how Country Time lemonade and the
sales pitch that got us into the Iraq War are the same thing you're
not paying attention.
Country Time lemonade. What a
great American beverage. It's "old fashioned." You know,
made with traditional values. It relates, the ads and label
tell us, to the good 'ol American country, rural America. It
is the image of an old man rockin' in his chair on a southern porch
on a hot day, and grandma comes out with some fresh lemonade she
just made. She squeezed some lemons she picked off a tree,
mixed a little bit of sugar. And there it is: a good old
rural, heartland American enjoying a good 'ol American beverage.
Except one problem. Good "old
fashioned" Country Time lemonade - what doesn't it have a single
drop of?
Right, lemonade. There is no
lemonade at all in it. And that fact isn't hidden. The
label says plainly, "No Juice." The ingredients are listed.
No lemons. Nothing but high fructose corn syrup, water, and
some unknown manufactured crap that create color and flavor
resembling lemonade - just like American Cheese resembles actual
cheese.
And just like the sales pitch for Iraq.
Good ol' American images, of good ol' American people, saying what
good ol' Americans should eat this time. Eat the non-cheese
"cheese," only damned bitter liberals question things like
hydrogenation - stupid big words. And drink the lemonadeless
"lemonade" - it's good "old fashioned" "Country" Time, as in a cross
between rural and old time.
And whatever you don't pay attention to
the fact that eating and drinking such non-foods disguised as
healthy, actual foods, that replacing actual cheese with
hydrogenated vegetable oil and replacing lightly sweetened lemon
juice with large amounts of high fructose corn syrup has 200 million
- 200 million - of our citizens to be dangerously overweight, sent
diabetes cases through the roof, and is attacking hearts and joints
and causing cancer.
Never mind any of that. America
has been trained by the "cheese."
For decades now, we have accepted thing
that were clearly bad for us because people put some label on it or
associate it with some image. Every day we buy "Grape Drink"
that doesn't have a drop of anything to do with a grape in it.
We buy "turkey breast" that is really just processed scraps and not
a slice of turkey breast at all. We drink lemonade that has no
lemons, watch news that isn't news, back patriotic calls that aren't
patriotic, support positively packaged wars without regard to what
the ingredients label is clearly telling us.
And we allow a deadly, non-cheese mass
of processed oil to hold title of the official cheese of the United
States of America.
All around the world, people know, if
you see the word "American" labeled on some food that is coming your
way, avoid it, because it is not really what it claims to be at all.
It is just nonsense only a conditioned country of unquestioning
chumps would eat without dealing with the fact there is no cheese in
that "cheese."
A couple thousand people have died in
Iraq so far. 200 million people are dying from being extremely
overweight, 100 million of them being fully obese.
100 million.
And the conditioning that led people
down the road to obesity paved the way into Iraq, the conditioning
of the American people not to question but just to consume,
regardless plain labels telling you the sales pitch is just so much
fertilizer.
So as I said before, the most amazing
thing about our nation at this moment is that no one even knows what
the real, important issues are. All over the country people
are freaking out about Iraq Five more people dead.
Ten more. One hundred Iraqis. Seven Americans.
Billions more dollars.
This people are worried about. But
the far bigger problem, the problem of American Cheese - that, no
one has the courage to even speak out about, never mind take on.
I'm not so crazy after all, now am I?
So if we want to begin to fix our
nation, if we want to deal with the most important issues - and if
we want to prevent future Iraqs - we must begin by giving America a
new cheese. I recommend calling on our wonderful assets known
as Wisconsin cheeseheads and challenging them to come up with an
actual cheese so great it is worthy to bear the name of what our
forefathers fought and died to make the most respected nation on the
planet. Change the cheese, and you will change the nation.
Now can someone please tell me which
party will change the cheese for us so I can decide who to vote for
in this upcoming election?
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