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DECEMBER 20, 2003 – As further
proof of how Operation Iraqi Freedom is reshaping the Middle East
and making the world a safer place, British Prime Minister Tony
Blair and American President George W. Bush announced today that
Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi will give up the WMD program he was
never - over two decades - able to produce anything with to begin
with.
"This achievement," said President Bush,
in a speech given simultaneously to one given by Blair, "on top of
eliminating Saddam Hussein - who apparently hadn't had any WMD's in
about a decade either - removes 0.00 KG of anthrax, 0.00KG of
horrible, deadly sarin gas, and no nuclear weapons from the
face of the Earth. Therefore, this is as great a day in the
War on Terror as when we captured Saddam - who didn't have anything
either."
Prime Minister Blair echoed the
sentiment.
"By making a supposed big deal out of
this man who had no WMD's to begin with giving up all of his WMD's,
we hope to continue the 'domino effect' across the Middle East -
and, indeed, across the world - of eliminating WMD threats that
don't actually exist everywhere they don't actually exist."
Already the announcement is having its
desired effect, Blair pointed out.
"So far today, since we went public with
this great elimination of nothing in particular on Gadhafi's part,
Michael Jackson has come forth to say he will give up all designs of
ever having WMD's so that he could get some positive press for doing
nothing in particular as well."
The embattled Jackson also echoed
Gadhafi's agreement to only possess short range missiles.
"Like Gadhafi," Jackson said in a press
conference, "I promise to only keep little, tiny, unfilled missiles
around me from now on."
And, apparently, the trend is spreading.
As of midnight last night, there was a line of one thousand mostly
unknown individuals waiting outside of the White House to get a
chance to tell President Bush they would give up the WMD's they
don't have. In addition, leaders from many actual nations,
like Tahiti and Barbados, were calling both Blair and President Bush
to declare they will abandon their non-existent WMD programs, and
then asking what time they could expect to see themselves - or at
least hear their names - on TV.
"Steve," one man answered, when a
reporter asked this never-to-be-a-WMD-threat-again's name.
Asked if he had ever had WMD's to begin
with, Steve - who couldn't quite recall his own last name - said
that once he had used a can of Lysol spray with a match, and it had
made, "a pretty wicked flame."
"Opposing proliferation is one of the
highest targets of the war on terror," Bush said, as quoted by CNN.
"The attacks of September 11th, 2001 brought tragedy to the United
States and revealed a future threat of even greater magnitude.
Terrorists who kill thousands of innocent people would, if they ever
gained weapons of mass destruction, kill hundreds of thousands,
without hesitation and without mercy."
"Fortunately," he continued, "the
nothing Gadhafi, Michael Jackson, and Steve had to offer the
terrorists will remain nothing for the foreseeable future. And
so this is yet another great victory in the War on Terror.
Somehow. You know, just like beating Saddam was."
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